North Korea messes with Texas and other cities, inaccurately

Will Berger, Staff Writer

Much of the noise coming from North Korea has been threats of nuclear attacks on the US.  North Korea’s “U.S. mainland strike plan,” revealed in a photo from Kim Jong Un’s war room, appears to mark the American cities that Pyongyang would attack when it launches its promised war against America.  Pyongyang, the city that never sleeps (unless given orders to do so), is the capital of North Korea and the center of the North Korean military.

It’s not totally clear, but it looks as if one of the intended targets, among several west and east coast U.S.  cities, could be the hip college town of Austin, Texas; most likely because Kim Jong Un is upset that SXSW rejected his short film submission.

Austin aside, the latest ridiculous North Korean propaganda video includes threats to launch the nation’s (untested) KN-08 missiles at four U.S.  cities: Washington, Colorado Springs, Los Angeles, and Honolulu.

The only problem is that the video, released by the state-run media organization Uriminzokkiri, misidentifies Colorado Springs’ location by about 1,000 miles.  Apparently, North Korea believes that Colorado Springs is somewhere in Louisiana.

Experts speculate that Kim Jong Un is just trying to prove himself as a leader by fabricating a problem so that he can look like a hero to his people.

So, Kim Jong Un, I ask you: Why?  Everyone in your country is already brainwashed; just tell them you conquered us.  Tell them that the U.S. has been wiped off the map in a fiery blaze of ash and bone.  Tell them that you used the remains of our country to build a giant statue of yourself.

All news is controlled by the state, and no one would ever be able to falsify it because no one can leave your country. Problem solved.

It would really be in your best interests not to get us involved.  You see, the U.S. is pretty tired; we just got out of a major war, we spent the last week trying to catch the Boston Marathon bombers, and we missed lunch — so we’re pretty cranky.  If you really want to start war with us it’s going to be quick and painless — for us.

I’m not sure how many people from North Korea are reading this, (probably none because, again, all news is controlled by the state) but please leave us alone — for your own sake.

If you really like Dennis Rodman so much, we’d be willing to trade him for your nuclear weapons.

The only real use we have for him would be to put him on the Apprentice for a third time.