Horoscopes amaze the masses with their accuracy


Matt Heiden, Copy Editor


What does the future hold? The art of astrology, which is one of mankind’s most ancient and accurate divination tools, has the answers. With the proper interpreter, you can predict anything up to any accuracy you desire. I have trained for several grueling, mysterious years with the Incan scrolls of yore, and here is what I have determined about the next month:


Aries – It might seem like a good idea to ask that girl/guy out, but, alas, the stars are not in your favor. Spend the next few days with your friends, or crying alone in your room, if you don’t want to look like an idiot.


Taurus – You will have a day of amazingly good luck within the next several days, before having a string of mediocre luck. For instance, one Taurus friend of mine has a good chance of winning the Serbian lottery, before getting struck by a passing bicyclist.


Gemini – Giving money to the nearest senior at midday will result in fantastic luck tomorrow. If you do not, the stars will have their vengeance when you least expect it.


Cancer – I’m sorry to say, but the next few days will not be favorable to you. The stars are hard to read, so all I can confidently predict is that you should avoid spicy foods, the letter J, and any ballets by Tchiakovsky.


Leo – Existential crises will be especially depressing in the next few days, so distract yourself with romantic comedies or detective novels to stay sane.


Virgo – Take a risk and fail at something important in the next few days. You will hate this advice, but in five years you will thank me for the funny story, especially if physical harm is involved.


Libra – Don’t stray from your comfort zone today, or you will risk financial ruin. When taking public transportation, take the window seat if possible.


Scorpio – A chance meeting with someone from another country is in your future. His or her accent will be deceptively seductive, but you must resist. International romance is not in the stars today.


Sagittarius – Enjoy a nice home-cooked meal today, and you will feel rejuvenated beyond recognition.


Capricorn – Stop and smell the flowers, unless of course they are venus fly-traps, for obvious reasons, or daffodils, because Jupiter is in alignment with Saturn.


Aquarius – If you break the law today, you will not get caught. Burn any horoscopes that tell you otherwise.


Pisces – Do not worry about small pieces of bad luck, because after about three unrelated misfortunes you will make a new friend. He or she will not be very pretty or handsome, but a comforting arm around your shoulder means the world to someone having a bad day.


Unfortunately, circumstances are hard to categorize. These predictions will come true for everyone, guaranteed, but they may happen in conveniently vague or metaphorical ways, as the constellations have ordained.