Global class faces traumatizing experience locked behind classroom door

Dan Bidikov, A&E Editor

Imagine yourself in a room with no entrance or exit, no front or back—only you and a bunch of tense, scared, hungry teenagers.   You do not know how much longer you will have to be there, but if you do not get out soon your mind will surely be engulfed by an inexorable wave of anxiety and paranoia, leaving you feeling like a toddler left alone in a grocery store after closing hours: alone, scared, lost.

Sounds like a difficult environment to learn global history in, right?  Mr. Craig Medico’s ninth and tenth grade AIS students came to terms with this isolating, Golding-esque (William Golding is the author of Lord of the Flies #wellread #thankyouMsLiss) experience on Sept. 20, when they found that the door to their classroom had been rendered completely useless.

Top forensic analysts social studies department chair Mr. Bryan “The Hammer” Frank and social studies teacher Mr. Petro “Greece Lightning” Macrigiane spent minutes visually observing the door to determine the exact cause of the malfunction.   Although it was ultimately revealed that the deadbolt lock on the door had gotten stuck, ghosts have not been entirely ruled out as a possible cause for the incident.

Due to the administration’s desperate efforts to cover up details of the event (if evidence of a supernatural presence in Schreiber got out, funding to the Spirit Club might have to be renewed), none of the students in the class were available for comment.

Thankfully, Mr. Macrigiane’s AP Comparative Government class was about to begin just as Mr. Medico found himself unable to jimmy the door open.  According to them, the door was not only stuck, but soundproof as well.

“Mr. Medico had to gesture to the door knob to signal that it was broken,” said senior Makenzie Drukker.

Another theory is that the social studies teacher was simply at a loss for words, or perhaps momentarily lost his voice and was unable to shout for help.

The situation affected the education of students in both classes, and will most likely directly correlate to lower future yearly income and SAT scores in the students who were involved.  There was also widespread emotional trauma on a deep level to several of the students present for the duration of the shutout.

“Our class eventually had to move to the auditorium, and having no door was really scary—we were exposed to the elements,” said senior Emily Lipstein.

Additional psychological counseling for the students traumatized by the mass lockout is another possible course of administrative action.   The desperate need for this specific procedure is exemplified in Drukker’s sadistic final testimonial statement: “All in all, super fun!”

This incident is not to be taken lightly in terms of its impact on student mental and emotional health.   In a world where video games exist and it is socially acceptable to block your mom on Facebook, we need to be ever careful of the negative influences that are shaping the minds of our youths.

Not even the elite or the most physically fit men of the social studies department could force the door open.   Mr. Macrigiane, Mr. Frank and Mr. Jeremy Klaff all fidgeted desperately with the key for a few minutes before giving up.   Social studies teacher Mr. Doug Matina, was your time really too valuable to stop for a moment and drop-kick a door to save a classroom of defenseless students?

According to Mr. Medico, he or another teacher could not break the door down because of “property reasons.” Yeah, and I only did three pushups in gym class because of “property reasons!”

Fortunately, the custodial staff is both heroic and muscular.   Mr. David Albury broke down the door and rescued the students holed up in room 221.  We asked what kind of complicated equipment was involved in the extraction process.

“My shoulder,” Mr. Albury said.  “I do it for the kids.”

These instances of going above and beyond the call of duty are what make the Schreiber custodians so vital to the homeostasis of our educational environment.

When asked in the hallway if he was considering running for president in 2016, Mr. Albury had no response because he did not hear me and, also, it was not the same custodian.

The Schreiber custodians may not be entirely innocent of locking the classroom door, as they refused to comment when pressed by newspaper reporters for information.

“I should not say anything, because you might not like what you get,” said one custodian who wished to remain anonymous.

Just how deep does this rabbit hole go?  Don’t worry, avid readers,  because here at The Schreiber Times, “We’re On It!”