12.21.12 Your guide to the apocalypse


Today’s the day: December 21, 2012.  We’ve all heard the theories, read the articles, and seen the movies.  Apocalyptic theorists suggest that the end of the ancient Mayan calendar, which correlates to today’s date, suggests that today will be the end of the world, or at least the end of the world as we know it.  These theories have pervaded the public mind, despite constant assurances by educated officials that they are complete nonsense.

“I don’t think humans deal with uncertainty well,” said social studies teacher Mr. Alex Seuplvida.  “We have a need for definitive beginning points, and it follows that we would need endpoints as well.  Today, I think that  we’ve become so removed from the ‘natural world’ that we have some subconscious fear that nature is going to get revenge on us.”

NASA’s ‘ask an astrobiologist’ program has reportedly received over 5,000 questions, many from frightened children, regarding the end of the world. In response, both a government blog (usa.gov) and NASA have released numerous statements and videos debunking these theories and governments in countries all around the world have taken action to placate people.


“I think that people are attracted to the idea of not just the 2012 apocalypse, but any apocalypse,” said senior Alexandre Haussmann to The Schrieber Times in 2011, who acted in the film 2012 with his twin brother, Philippe.  “There are always theories going around about the ‘end of days.’ Whether or not you believe in the apocalypse, “it’s still something cool to think about.”



Apocalyptic Survival Guide


The school administration has not been extremely helpful to students who are wondering how to survive in the upcoming final moments of civilization.  Fortunately, The Schreiber Times is here to help!  First and foremost, proactive students will want to register for a TestTakers prep course to adequately equip them to pass humanity’s ultimate examination.  When infrastructure fails, electronics will be registered useless—so start trading Apple products and game consoles for nonperishable foods.  Stock up on the lingering Hostess products since it has been proven that Twinkies, the worst food on Earth that are probably made out of plastic, do not ever rot.

Students with part time jobs should put in requests to their employers that they be paid in salted meats.  In these last few hours, hug your parents as much as you can.  Tell your teachers how much they bore you.  The Schreiber Times’ pub room (the Mac lab) has dozens of old issues of the school newspaper available for kindling available first come first serve, although priority is given to the newspaper staff.  Please note that the easiest way to start a fire is with matches, so be sure to buy a lifetime’s supply of those or the leftover newspapers will be deemed useless.  Most importantly, go to Costco and purchase as many pairs of socks and underwear as you can because we all know how cranky people are when they run out of clean clothing.

Everyone thinking that Hurricane Sandy was bad enough and that you have had more than your fair share of the storms for the year; brace yourselves.  For those of you lacking homes equipped with Wizard of Oz-like underground bunkers, the only sure fire way to protect your house from imploding is duct tape.  In the event of flooding, duct tape can help keep glass windows and doors from shattering and bringing water into homes.  The Spider Man and peace sign printed duct tape rolls from Michaels have proven themselves especially effective.  These festive tapes also help ward off looters who are deathly afraid of superheroes and symbols of harmony.

Since meteorologists, weathermen, and avid storm trackers are predicting that the massive waves and wind speeds will wreak havoc on homes, start construction on an ark for your family now, while there is still time.  Unfortunately, sewing together all of your family’s waterproof raincoats and tarps together will only create a temporary raft.  Do not rely on this raft for protection against a twenty-foot wave.

Be sure to use the finest wood in building your ark.  According to the Internet, the most reliable source, pressed cypress wood was used to construct Noah’s Ark.  If pressed cypress wood got Noah through forty days and forty nights, it will most likely (there’s a 90% chance) save us from the apocalypse.  Although duct tape is useful in saving your windows, it is not strong enough to hold your ark together.  Elmer’s glue should do the trick, though.

Stocking the ark is just as important to the survival process as building it.  Load all of your livestock onto the ship in pairs or, if you do not own any animals, bring childhood stuffed animals onto the ark.  Stuffed animals are versatile enough to serve as sources of companionship, warmth, and food if need be.  If you actually own pets, try not to leave them behind. It will probably get hectic with all of those stuffed animals running around, so do not forget to load actual live animals onto the ark.

In the days leading up to the apocalypse, save as many toilet paper rolls, empty tin cans, and kitchen utensils as possible.  Hurry to the apocalypse parties thrown around the New York area and collect empty bottles so you can combine them with the toilet paper rolls and tin cans to create makeshift instruments.  After our modern devices stop working, humanity will no longer have the ability to listen to the synthesized, monotonous vibrations that we call music.  Without electronics, how will we possibly find entertainment?

Old issues of The Schreiber Times can be crumpled into balls and used to play sports after the earth eats your xbox, in addition to being folded intricately to create decorative origami for the ark and into paper hats to protect your head from the winter weather and rain.  In the worst case scenario, The Schreiber Times can also be used for clothing.  Have your fashionable friends and those who are FIT-bound to help you with this one.  If you gather some arts and crafts supplies that have been sitting in your basement since the third grade, you can make clothing for others and trade sequined Schreiber Times tank tops for small berries and nuts to survive on.

Since food will become a scarce necessity, you had better stock up on it while you can. Although The Schreiber Times is not suggesting that you are a squirrel, hamster or other rodent like animal, their methods of survival seem to be particularly helpful.  Hamsters, for example, have pockets on the insides of the cheeks where they can store food and save it for later.  Talking with a mouthful of packaged granola bars or an unopened bag of Cheerios will not be easy, but if you pretend to be a hamster and hide food in the non existent “pockets” in your mouth, we guarantee you will survive the apocalypse.  Hiding food in your mouth or sweatshirt pockets will also prevent thieves from taking it.  For extra protection, envelope all of your food and precious items in patterned duct tape since thieves hate this wonderful sticky product.


Apocalyptic Bucket List:

  1. Find the school swimming pool
  2. Eat lunch on the roof
  3. Speak in only hashtags for an entire day
  4. Profess your deep love for a teacher
  5. Run your own scantron
  6. Hang out in the Social Studies teachers’ lounge
  7. Go inside the test vault
  8. Give a Christmas gift to someone you’ve never met, who might not even celebrate Christmas
  9. Take a bite out of your homework and hand it in
  10. Play music over the PA system, prompting a dance party in the hallway
  11. Run up a down escalator
  12. Use mr. Pernick’s private bathroom
  13. Buy a pug
  14. Learn to play the ukelele
  15. Unfriend all of your non-friends on Facebook
  16. Ride in the secuity smart car
  17. Replace all of your friends with furbies