The student news site of Paul D. Schreiber Senior High School

The Schreiber Times

The student news site of Paul D. Schreiber Senior High School

The Schreiber Times

The student news site of Paul D. Schreiber Senior High School

The Schreiber Times

“Schreiber Slam” brought the whole house down: Premier event for WDOT’s Radiothon headlines Scheckner v. Matina

It was Ali v. Frazier, Rocky v. Apollo.  We saw Hulk Hogan on one side, and The Undertaker on the other, with John Cena presiding.  Andre the Giant ate the pizza.

There were teachers wrestling students, and students dunking teachers.  Teachers and students alike roared for the first ever “Schreiber Slam.”  The Feb. 28 event was the premier event of the WDOT Radiothon, as student DJs broadcast live for 24 hours straight.  Students raised funds to benefit the reincarnation of the Schreiber Network, the school’s very own TV station, as well as a number of charities.

The night began with YouTube video advertisements, catching up those who missed the social media-driven Internet hysterics.  The stage was set for the battle of the century, with the dual forces of master and student clashing before our very eyes.

“Great feats of strength and skill were performed by both teachers and students.  I especially enjoyed Benny’s unitard,” said junior Joe Finkelstein.

In one corner, the self-proclaimed political analyst, ballroom dancer, oral surgeon, and afro-stylist senior Benny Scheckner.  In the other, Mr. Douglas Matina, martial arts practitioner and social studies teacher.  They locked eyes and horns, their feud spurned on by “The Ice Cream Kerfuffle.” (Mr. Matina once knocked over Scheckner’s Baskin Robbins cone).  Each emerged with his own crew.  Mr. Matina’s consisted of the male contingency of the social studies department, including Mr. Craig Medico, Mr. Petro Macrigiane, Mr. George Muhlbaur (who donned  a poncho and cowboy boots) and a luchador-inspired masked man, who many believed to be Mr. Alex Sepulvida.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Mr. Sepulvida.

In Scheckner’s posse were senior Nathan Lefcowitz, Ms. Joy Grasso-Krebs, Mr. Mark Reynolds, and Mr. Michael Campanella.  What they lacked in size and numbers they made up for with cunning and the desire for victory.

The rap battle and match between team members Mr. Macrigiane and Lefcowitz left much to be desired.  What was advertised as the next coming of Biggie Smalls vs.  Tupac Shakur was really just a little man with a big head (Lefcowitz) and a big man with a little head (Mr. Macrigiane) shouting incoherent rhymes at each other that resembled bad “Yo Momma” jokes.  It was so monotonous for Mr. Macrigane, that he began to read a chemistry textbook on the stage.

Regardless, the bout gave way to the beginning of shenanigans perpetuated by the posse members.  First, Mr. Reynolds struck Mr. Macrigiane with a chair, and then, Mr. Campanella hit him with the very textbook he was reading, allowing Lefcowitz to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat in the “four corners” match.

“I wasn’t kidding when I said that Lefcowitz had a shot, and he came through,” said Principal Mr. Ira Pernick, who sported a John Cena “U ∅ C Me” hat and sweatbands.  “I stole the wrestling gear from my son.”

As a penalty for his previous actions, Mr. Reynolds was sentenced to the dunk tank to join Mr. Craig Weiss.  For his loss, Macrigiane was forced to sit on the precarious dunking throne as well.  Although the button was seemingly dysfunctional, and pushed every time, students got a kick out of seeing their favorite teachers and assistant principal take a plunge into the icy depths at the conclusion of the night’s events.

“It was cold.  It was really cold,” said Mr. Reynolds.

Headlining the pizza-eating contest was Crazy Legs Conti, professional eater, who holds the record for corn and peas, and competes in the annual Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog eating contest.  His opponents were (ironically) health teacher Ms. Jeanine Kalinowski and Mr. Muhlbauer.  Though Crazy Legs won, Kalinowski and Muhlbauer put up a fight.  In the six minutes it took Crazy Legs Conti to finish the pie, Mr. Muhlbauer ate 5 slices, and Ms. Kalinowski ate 1 and a half.  Crazy Legs Conti could not be reached for a comment.

“I think Muhlbauer may have missed his calling with the eating contest.  It’s a possible career path for him,” said social studies teacher Mr. Larry Schultz.

And, just like that, it was time for the main event, with Schultz as the de facto referee.

“I try to be fair and hate everyone equally,” said Mr. Schultz.

Back and forth the showdown between Scheckner and Mr. Matina went.  Mr. Matina was the clear favorite, skillfully knocking Scheckner down left and right.  All Scheckner could do was bide his time.

“Going in, my intention was to play dead so that he might leave me alone.  Obviously, that was not the case and I can’t walk anymore,” said Scheckner.

Eventually, the respective teams began to interfere, with Mr. Campanella striking Mr. Matina with a textbook and Ms. Ila Scheckner, Benny’s mother, chasing Mr. Matina with a rolling pin.

“I was trying to use my quickness and some of my power moves.  I wanted more submission, but his corner kept interfering.  I tried the ‘Dragon Death Lock’ twice, but his mom got in the way,” said Mr. Matina.

Bouncing off the ropes, Scheckner was able to land a few clotheslines and close-range blows, but to no avail.  Mr. Matina emerged victorious.  With no warning, Mr. Macrigiane struck Mr. Matina with a chair and claimed the belt for himself, betraying his teammate.  In another stunning betrayal, Mr. Medico leapt into the ring and broke his guitar over Mr. Macrigiane’s back, snatching the championship belt for good.

“It was the greatest moment of my life,” said Mr. Medico.

Mr. Matina’s reaction was filled withvengeance.

“I am particularly upset with my team, and their betrayal at the end.  I breathed as a champion for mere seconds.  I’m hungry for the title next year,” said Mr. Matina.

Scheckner, the self-proclaimed “Radio-King,” and host of the night, couldn’t hide his disappointment in defeat.

“I will never fully recover, emotionally, and physically, from the Schreiber Slam,” said Scheckner.  “While I’m joyous that Matina didn’t walk away with the title, I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if that piece-of-string-cheese Medico and I had met in the ring instead.  I’ll be back next year, and I’ll never stop fighting.”