Stay cool this summer with ices, air conditioning, and cannonballs

Cameron Appel, Staff Writer

We’ve done it, folks.  It is finally June: beautiful June.  We’re in the home stretch.  Does anyone even remember the depths of winter anymore?  The long, cold nights spent by the fire, hot chocolate in hand, snuggled deep into a pile of blankets are behind us.

While that might have sounded nice in January, hearing it now just makes you feel overheated.  Like really, really hot.  It was a mighty cold winter, so this beautiful warm weather was much anticipated.  Just give it a few weeks.  Soon, you’ll be wishing for winter again.

In preparation for when you hit the point where you’d like to live at the North Pole, here are some tips on staying cool during what’s looking to be a rather stuffy summer.

First off, check your backyard.  Next, check your neighbor’s.  Then, your friend’s.  Do any of these locations have a pool?  If so, you’re in luck.  Dig out that bathing suit you debated buying at the end of last summer, grab the cleanest towel you can find, and “CANNONBALL!”

While you’re outside, a fun game to play is Pretend-You’re-a-Vampire-and-Avoid-the-Sun-at-All-Costs.  This electrifying game will force you into the shade and away from sunlight.  Don’t venture out of the shade, though.  If you do, bad things will happen.  Namely, melting into a puddle like the Wicked Witch.  (Note: This won’t actually happen.  You’ll just get really hot.)  To spice up the game, have someone throw water balloons out of a window at everyone touched by sunlight.  This cools people off while providing the thrower with a reason to throw things at people and let out his or her anger.

Now, let’s say you don’t feel like venturing outside.  Smart decision.  You’ve already taken the first step toward cooling off. You might as well just declare yourself a hermit and become nocturnal. For a more realistic environment, remain in the same clothes for days on end, leave food lying around, and never open the blinds or curtains.  This will also discourage people from coming over and trying to be social, which would bring inside heat.  No one really needs friends anyway.

On second thought, maybe staying inside doesn’t sound so fabulous.  How about Ralph’s?  Ralph’s is a great way to keep cool, for one obvious reason: if you’re friends with an employee there, you can convince them to let you live in the freezers!  This obvious but often forgotten trick to battle the summer heat is a surefire way to remain icy cold, even as the temperatures outside creep up.  Another viable option, less popular among teens, is to just buy ices.  Or ice cream.

Along the same vein as food consumption are drinks.  Staying hydrated is incredibly important, especially during the summer months.  What will come as both a shock and a major source of distress is that coffee in no way hydrates you.  Lay off the coffee, caffeine junkies!  It’ll do you more harm than good.

On to another option. Those summer reading books you know you’ll be avoiding until the last moment?  Stop dreading them!  These books give you an excuse to frequent Port’s most valuable summertime asset: the Port Washington Public Library.  While maybe not your first thought when it comes to “summertime fun,” the library is kept at practically sub-zero temperatures.  Whether it’s the dead of winter or the height of summer, the various reading areas will be cold enough to keep your ill-advised iced coffee from melting.  This cooling effect is designed to preserve both the ancient texts and people found there.

None of these sound appealing?  Fine.  There are more, let’s say, boring choices from which you can choose.  The classic put-a-wet-towel-behind-your-neck trick will keep you cool, as will popping in a piece of mint gum before taking a swing of ice cold water.  The latter will make you feel less “cool” and more “freezing to death in the Arctic tundra,” but it may be worth it.

Another life-hack is to wrap a wet paper towel around a drink and then put it in the freezer.  It’ll cool off the drink in record time.  Or, you could wrap the wet paper towel around your face.  That one might not be the best idea, but you’ll cool off, for sure.

Lastly, moving to Alaska is always an option.  Apparently the igloos are marvelous this time of year. So chill out, enjoy the sun and the warmth, but try not to have a heat-stroke.