Ebola: The new killer that will probably not kill you

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Jake Arlow, Contributing Writer

Schreiber students have always remained calm in the face of disease.  In Feb. of 1990, The Schreiber Times reported that more than 250 students were absent from school on one day, many of whom were sick with what school nurse Miriam Ross called “fear of the flu.” Now, with the Ebola epidemic reaching the frightening number of nine Americans and counting, Schreiber must face this disease with the same spirit and resilience they did in that harsh winter of 1990.
To all students who would like to know if they are at risk for Ebola, they must ask themselves, have I come into contact with the bodily fluid of an infected person?  If and only if the answer is yes, please stay home from school. Unless you have an AP Euro test.
Among all communities, the swim team has the highest risk of contracting Ebola of Schreiber students, as people relieve themselves in the pool, snot diffuses through the water, and there is a general layer of human filth covering the top of all pools.
“I overheard a Manhasset girl the other day at a joint swim practice between the Manhasset and Port teams,” said senior Caroline Hickey.  “She said, ‘I don’t want to go in.  It looks like Ebola is growing at the bottom of the pool.’”
Clearly, Manhasset is more susceptible to the Ebola hype than the level-headed Port Washington community, as I can attest to the fact that the bottom of the pool was not a festering swarm of Ebola, but was in fact covered in innocuous (I think) algae.  
Some students are frightened that Ebola is in Port Washington, and I can assure you, that is an appropriate response.
“While Ebola sounds like the Spanish word for Grandma, it will not bake you cookies,” said senior Olivia Mann.  “In fact, it will make you toss said cookies.”
The Schreiber community should remain on constant lookout for signs of Ebola.  If you suspect that someone has the disease, turn them in to grade administration immediately.  Use force if you must.  Do remember that staying home from “fear of Ebola” is not only completely rational, but also a legitimate safety precaution.