Jake’s take: the most wonderful time of the year

Jake Arlow, Staff Writer

The holidays are a beautiful time.  The anticipation of cozy, festive nights with family and friends makes this month something special.  But to me, a real Christmas-time purist, the holiday season culminates with the Twelve Days of Christmas.  As some of you lesser merrymakers may not know, the Twelve days begin on Christmas Day and go until Jan. 5, which, in a crazy turn of events, is Twelve days after Christmas Day.  I will now allow all for you to experience the most beautiful twelve days of the year along with me; come, let’s begin.

Day one: You catch a cold.  You had been feeling something coming on for a while, but this morning you woke up and snot dripped onto your pillow.  Let the Christmas festivities begin!

Day two: Your grandpa comes to town.  The good times roll when he starts lamenting the condition of today’s youth, and you notice that most, if not all, of the comments are passive-aggressively directed towards you.  Don’t fret!  The celebrations are just getting started!

Day three: Your friends and you bring the holiday spirit to school.  The science wing can be so drab, so you search for the nearest ceiling hole held up by a stick, tarp, trash can, and faith in the American government.  Good thing you found one conveniently located by the biology classrooms!  You spruce it up with some great décor. Now, the science wing goes from a depressing-eye-sore to festive-eye-sore.

Day four: Your cold is worse than ever and now everyone is adamant that you are the reason they’re sick.  There are definitely not tons of germs out there in the world.  You are no doubt the sole reason for the sickness of every person close to you.  Nice going there.

Day five: Gingerbread men are great Christmas treats that just happen to currently be attacking your family.  You should’ve stopped making them at the first sign of sentience, but you didn’t want to have extra gumdrop buttons.  No holiday weight gain for you!

Day six: Halfway there!  You celebrate with some hot chocolate, and on the first sip you burn your tongue and cannot taste anything for the rest of the month.

Day seven: You watch Netflix all day.  You should be studying for midterms, but isn’t watching House of Cards basically studying?

Days eight through ten: You enter a comatose state from the amount of sugar you have ingested and family togetherness you have endured.  The Arthur’s Perfect Christmas album is playing at a low volume in the background the entire time you are asleep.  You can relive your childhood while listening to Muffy faintly sing about her dissolving friendship with Francine.  Enjoy it!

Day eleven: Your mom tells you to stop celebrating Christmas, as it is Jan. 4 and stores have already begun advertising their Martin Luther King, Jr. Day sales.  She obviously does not understand the sanctity of these twelve days.

Day twelve: You return from Christmas break a changed person.  You have learned a great deal about yourself and others.  Mostly, that you would rather be at school than spending time with your family or sitting alone with your thoughts.

So this holiday season, savor each and every day.  Go out and spread joy, but more importantly, spread tapenade on your bread because it is a healthy alternative to butter.