Jake’s Take: the Midterm Apocalypse is here!

Jake Arlow, Staff Writer

Here at Schreiber, the end of the world is at hand, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are on their way: war, famine, pestilence, and midterms.  I have my own theories on how the world will end, and they almost all involve sentient robots procreating with unsuspecting humans and creating small robot spawn until the Earth is overrun and eventually destroyed by these creatures.  That’s just me, though.  Other Schreiber students have their theories, and with midterms bringing the end of life as we know it, all of these possibilities are worth examining.  So sit back and join me in exploring the bowels of your peers’ minds as they predict the oncoming apocalypse and I help you prepare for the upcoming midterms.

“Greenhouse effect leads to unprecedented high temperatures,” said senior Olivia Mann. “Sitting on metal park benches, hoods of cars, or any material that absorbs sunlight leads to one’s buttocks being melted together.  Therefore, ridding oneself of waste is impossible and we all die due to the toxicology of our own waste.”

While the image of a uni-bum seems kind of cool, it would obviously just lead to human extinction.  This also seems like a pretty legitimate way to get out of midterms.  No teacher will contest the fact that you had been unable to study if you are in this situation.  Unless you’re in AP European History.  After all, Europeans survived the Bubonic Plague.  Come on people, step it up.

“Give me an ‘aux cord’ and my music would be too good, so the world would just explode,” said senior Mano Beys.

I asked him how the music would be projected around the world, and the response was “giant speakers.”  This theory seems to be along the lines of death by noise pollution.  When studying for midterms, some like complete silence, while others are fans of the tranquility of background music.  Beys is obviously a member of the latter group.  Watch out for him at the library, as he will probably have his sick beats turned up beyond a respectable sound level.

Some students have different theories, some that are quite scary.

“The world will end when grandmas learn how to use the internet and start trolling teens,” said senior Sarah Sigman.

Although she did not specify, I can imagine this would cause a widespread panic that eventually leads all humans to distrust one another, culminating in the extermination of humans by humans.  The only hope for survival would be groups of teens coming together to fight the hysteria.  This is basically the description of a study group, which, by the way, is a great way to prepare for midterms.

When I questioned some people about how our apocalypse will happen, they had frighteningly long and very real lists of their beliefs on how the world will inevitably end.  Some theories they perpetuated included images much too vulgar for The Schreiber Times newspaper (gluten-free diets and Taylor Swift, to name a few).

“The self-aware smart house lady from the Disney classic Smart House hacks into the Pentagon’s computer system and sets off the nuclear launch codes,” said senior Will Berger.

To insinuate that a childhood icon could possibly do something so terrible and malicious is jarring, though with the recent hacking of many organizations, it is difficult to know who the true enemy is.  During midterms week, the true enemy is not your teacher or even your midterms. It is you.  You must not procrastinate; you must save yourself from extinction, or at least bad grades.  On the bright side, if the apocalypse does come between now and midterms week, life is futile anyway!