Students’ love for burrito chain causes mass hysteria

Elizabeth Muratore, Staff Writer

Last week, five students who waited patiently on line at a local burrito chain for hours for their obligatory Tuesday burritos were hospitalized for exhaustion, frustration, and the sad realization that Mexican fast food composes most of their diets.

The students, all seniors, decided to go to a local burrito chain on their mutual off period on March 17, although all of them spent the first half hour of the period calculating just how many off periods they actually had second semester.  They later revealed that they each had nearly 45 off periods; surely they could make one seemingly harmless trip to the burrtio chain during the school day?

“I wanted to go to the burrito chain because my horoscope told me not to go to Chipotle,” said senior Bryan Johns.

But according to one student, once they got to the burrito chain, they all started running a fever after five minutes of driving around the parking lot looking for a spot.  They were then stopped by a police officer, who said that the students were “being a fire hazard” by blocking multiple spots and urged them to exit the premises as soon as possible.

Despite these difficulties, an eyewitness report confirms that the students did actually make it inside the burrito chain.  This contrasts the report of another student, who stated that they all simultaneously decided, “Screw it, let’s go to Chipotle.”

The burrito chain was unusually packed on that Tuesday, but the students in question were determined.  They waited and waited, but the line never moved.  They could see burritos in their future, but they were prevented from guacamole glory by a force more powerful than any of them realized at the time: parents with small children.

Some members of the group managed to be productive while waiting on line, and in doing so proved that they had not yet caught an all-too-common case of Second Semester Senioritis.

“I waited for so long that I was able to memorize the entirety of Dante’s Inferno in Italian and, perhaps more amazingly, complete my Webassign,” said senior Kim Winter.

Others were less successful in suppressing their desire for large tortillas stuffed with way-too-much rice and way-too-little of other food groups.

“I waited on line for twelve and a half hours and we didn’t eat or drink because then when we got to the front of the line, we wouldn’t be hungry, but we were hungry,” said senior Ariel Waldman.

Despite these seemingly rational courses of action, by the time the students actually got to the front of the line, it was too late.  One had fainted from the smell of jalapeños, two had spontaneously burst into tears at the prospect of no burritos, and the others were simply confused.

“At some point I started feeling pretty light-headed, and I think that was about the time the first person dropped out. I don’t remember much after that, but I do remember thinking, ‘Sweet, one less person in line!’” said senior Andrew Costenoble.

A concerned employee called 911, and the students were promptly transported to St. Francis Hospital.  They were then transferred to the North Shore Animal League, because one student thought that seeing cute animals would help alleviate their suffering.

Luckily, they were all released later that evening, symptom-free and with vouchers for complementary burritos.  Nevertheless, the suffering of these students indicates that Long Island is not always a safe haven for fast food.  One student was too traumatized to form grammatically correct sentences following the experience.

“You know I struggle with thinking of words. It’s just what I do,” said senior Wyn Stopford.

When asked, students at Chaminade declined to comment on this issue.