A guide for males: Useful tips on how to get girls

Dan Bidikov, Editor-in-Chief

Being alone is difficult.  While it may not be essential for happiness, companionship is very helpful for combating depression and maintaining emotional stability.  Having a few close friends is great, but for ideal results lonely souls should consider courting a member of the opposite sex.  How, you may ask, does a quivering Nervous Nellie like myself go about finding the woman of my dreams?  Not only that, but when the time is right, how will I make my move?

No fear, Shakespeare!  Getting females to like you is unbelievably simple.  This instructional piece is by no means comprehensive, but it is definitely a good starting point.  You’ll need a few material items before you enter the field.  Invest in a smartphone (probably made by Apple, because if you’re clueless enough to use this guide for advice then an iPhone is likely your speed).  This will come in handy when you need quick access to information about musical groups and bad literature (more on this later).

Nice shoes are prerequisite to catching the female eye.  I personally opt for bold colors and sweet Nikes, but there is stylistic value in all walks of footwear.

You need to buy at least one college tee shirt—because how else are they going to think that you went there?

Other items of interest that can only help include but are not limited to: a money clip (it looks like you have more money), breath mints (self explanatory), and—for the particularly adventurous—belts that open like the ones on your car seat (they undo quickly).

What kind of women should you be looking out for?  The kind of people taking this guide seriously will require a girl who can handle a lot of emotional insecurity.  This capability is generally associated with maturity and intelligence.  But how can you pick that up with just eyesight?

Telltale signs of brainpower include glasses (but be sure to verify that they actually have lenses), tasteful clothing, and clean hair.  When you think you have set your sights on the right girl, be prepared to get down to business.

Once you have the essentials squared away, work on getting the moves down.  If at a night club, approach your target confidently.  If you are well prepared, you are wearing a brightly colored tank top showcasing the biceps you worked on all summer by lifting twelve pound dumbbells and grunting exasperatedly.  Do not bother saying anything—the music is too loud for conversation.  Instead, present your best rave-appropriate dance moves.

Hold your position for as long as possible.  Then, when the party is over, approach your person of interest and engage her in a discussion about physics.  Girls love physics.

If in a quiet environment (e.g. an Asian culture appreciation party—and speaking from experience, an Asian culture appreciation party is a great place to meet females), you will need to approach the situation differently.

When your eye is caught by a particularly impressive lady, think on your feet for an interest of hers that you can feign.  Use your phone to web search the terrible indie band that is on her shirt, so that you can brag about the songs that they played at a show of theirs that you did not actually attend.  Hopefully you have pockets deep enough to fit crossed fingers, providing luck from the Heavens that she does not immediately see through your facade.

In the best case scenario, you will come across as interesting and relatable.   At worst, you will end up ostracized and with a drink all over your shirt.  Aren’t you a little young for that anyway?

Moving discussion along can be difficult.  As soon as possible, get in a position from which you can freely talk about yourself.  Embellish your achievements as much as you can.  Make sure everything that you have ever done proves how selfless and cultured you are.  This is where the shoes come in handy.  “I love those sneakers,” she might say—to which you respond, “thanks, it was the dying wish of the starving African youngster that I tried to save that I wear them.”  With a line like that, you’re definitely in.

Now that you have made a good first impression, it is crucial to lay on the lasting appeal.  Try and set up a date.  Don’t approach the issue with a line like, “what are you doing this weekend?”  Be more steadfast.  “Hey, you should definitely hang out with me this weekend!” is a line with an r-value for positive correlation somewhere between .6 and .8.  That’s pretty good, and sounds really science-y so maybe you will neglect the fact that I completely made it up.

This guide doesn’t really extend to dating.  To be honest, I don’t normally make it that far.