Choosing your college may be like getting the perfect girl

Aaron Brezel, Editor-in-Chief

If you read the school newspaper avidly, then you most likely need help understanding the ins and outs of the dating process.  Luckily, through my own expert sojourns in the primordial jungle that is wooing the opposite sex, I have developed my own unique set of tips that are guaranteed to land you a catch.  Unfortunately, The Schreiber Times already has its resident lady killer so I will happily refrain from stepping into his shoes.  Instead, I will be utilizing my talents for a much greater purpose.

In the past several months, I have found that my plethora of knowledge has aided me in an unconventional way.  As it turns out, the process of finding and then subsequently getting a girl to notice you is striking similar to the college process.  “Balderdash,” some may cry.  I kid you not.  Sit back, relax, and prepare to be educated.

Just like girls, there are three kinds of colleges you will encounter in your life time.  Just as in any circumstance, there are costs and benefits to each, and the decision of which to bestow your undoubtedly priceless affection is not one to be taken lightly.

First, you have your reach school.  Whatever your ideal destination is, this school is a perfect 10.  She is smart, funny, classy, and most crucially, way out of your league.  This is where the wisdom kicks in.  If you want this college to accept you, then you have to put your best foot forward.  Brush your teeth, comb your hair, and, for goodness sake, take a breath mint.

Just like talking to that cute girl at the bohemian coffee shop, when applying to your perfect college you need to make yourself seem like the most interesting man in the room.  I could say that if you really want the college to like you, then just be yourself, but this isn’t a romantic comedy so doing that will probably not help your case.

When filling out your application, might I suggest channeling all of your deep seated emotional insecurities to make yourself seem more vulnerable and damaged with a bit of edgy mysteriousness.  Colleges find that sexy.

Maybe you are an athlete.  Just like girls, colleges dig the sporty type. So if you have not already, pick up a lacrosse stick and start cradling because she is worth it.

Unless you are an Adonis like myself, there is already a good chance that you may strike out with your dream school.  However, what good is having aspirations, whether they are in the academic or female persuasion, if you cannot drum up the confidence and take a chance?

On the other end of the spectrum, there is your safety.  She is safe, and it is reassuring to know that she is there for you when no one else would take notice.  Regardless of the quality of education, the name “safety” itself implies settling.  When no other school at the bar would look your way, she greeted you with eager eyes.  No doubt you think, “Surely I, the culmination of all human creation, am way over-qualified to attend such an institution.”  Slow down, buddy, because everyone needs a backup.

Personally, I like to approach this kind of school with a completely different tactical plan.  You buy her an ice cool Coca Cola at the beginning of the night and after a night of chasing targets and reaches, you realize you almost forgot about her.  When all else fails you can always come back to her, incessantly begging because she is still into you.  Ideally, once she accepts you (after all you are the embodiment of human creation), you can sit back and relax in comfort.  If you get stood up, you need more help than this guide can offer

Finally, you have Goldilocks, the one that is just right.  She is your target.  You both match up on so many levels, a characteristic that I believe the relationship experts at eHarmony would call “compatibility.”  Now that you have found that perfect school, all that’s left is to seal the deal.  Now you are on your own, because when the love is real, there are no magic formulas.  Smile, introduce yourself, and let the relationship build itself.

If you are anything like me, then choosing your colleges was less like a night club pick up and more like extreme speed dating.  Through the blur of beautiful faces, it’s important to remember to make each and every college feel like the most important girl in the room.  Might I suggest learning some key phrases such as “abundance of research opportunities” and “excellent student to faculty ratio,” so you can expertly feign in-depth knowledge about each school.

If you follow this guide to the letter, I have no doubt that you will find yourself the perfect college to introduce to your parents.